scritto da Malou
I had no idea, no imagination or an actual intention of why I walked the Camino de Santiago. At that time I just knew that I was lost in my every day life routine and in life itself; I felt very unhappy and unsure thinking about my future and about what kind of person I wanted to be.
One day in April I visited old friends of mine I hadn't met for a long time – and they put that inception into my head. Within ten minutes of chatting they told me, that they'd felt how uncomfortable I was with myself and jokingly recommended me to take some time off to go find myself on the Camino, as I used to be a very strong and self-conscious girl, who exactly knew what she wanted from life.(Funnily neither of them walked the Camino)
It took me four more months to realize this idea never left my head and found myself again holding some ticket at the airport for a plane to Bilbao. I was going to find myself.
I had hardly done any research for the trip and didn't know what to expect. I surely never expected to meet people that were driven by the same incomprehensible restlessness and cluelessness about – well, about everything! I met so many sagacious, wise, honest and genuine nice people. All of them so very capable to see interconnections between happenings and aware of what really happens around them, but at the same time so hardly able to put it into any correlations for themselves.
And although every single individual on the Camino walked these miles for very individual reasons and experienced it a singular way – we still all connected to one another in the same way.
I was raised agnostic and in a rather scientific manner and yet I fail to put into proper words to faithfully describe, what I felt arriving at the Cathedral in Santiago.
That closeness, wholeness and true bliss is hardly to delineate, as for myself it was hardly understandable. You just let yourself fall into that feeling of being welcomed and accepted in every thinkable way, of having arrived more than geographically and being able to let go of fears you discover you created yourself.
I didn't find myself in Santiago. In Santiago I felt home. And every other pilgrim was my family and I became family to them. And for me that's serendipity.
Two years later I'm still the same moody person, that gets blisters from walking home by not taking the bus and unable to remember where I put my keys, followed by an emotional breakdown at my front door.
But somehow I feel safer; I can take it easier; I still don't know, who I want to be and I am still looking for it– but it doesn't scare me anymore. I couldn't even explain why. Maybe because I discover so many unique things on the way.